Feeling good

As much as gynecology ward was about birth and life the internal medicine ward is about poverty and death. The first day we entered the ward dividing the beds, one of the patients in my beds was a 14-15 years old boy with Major thalasemia who was shouting all the time. Asking the reason they told me that for his pain he was given morphine for a long period and now he was getting dependent to that. As he was discharging from the ward they were not giving any more morphine to the boy and he was craving for that. The kid’s family were not taking him home for the same reason. Were could they find morphine for the kid from now on. At last one was kind enough to give him another dose. After 10 minutes ther were no shouting anymore and every one satisfied were doing their works. Suddenly the nurse ran into our room and asked if I was the intern for the bed number & Nodding my head she told me that the kid has arrested. I ran to his bed. The kid with a deformed face and not in a good shape skeletal system –due to his thalasemia- was asleep with his head falling to one side. He was cold and me doing CPR changed nothing to his situation. I was doing CPR for half an hour and I didn’t still know if I really wanted him back or not. From one side I liked him back and it was my duty him being back but looking from the other side what good his being back could be to himself and to his family. More aches for himself and more discomfort to his family? Yet if not today this would be his fortune if not today 2 months later. May be my desire for his coming back was due to my self-seeking approach not paying attention to the outcomes of my job. Or may be I was not in the position to have the right to even think about that. Whatever it was, I knew that receiving his last morphine dose, He died in a good mood…